“NEW YEAR, NEW ME!”
Naw, not really, but it sounds nice every December 31st and January 1st that rolls around, no?
Truth be told, I don’t want to create a new me, nor do I aspire to be an entirely new version of myself. For the most part, I like who I am. I cannot even write or say, “for the most part” because that implies that there are some aspects of my being that I dislike, and that is not quite accurate either. With each December 19XX or 20XX calendar page I have torn away, I have often vowed to do this, do that, do less of this, and do more of that, but I have gone about this in a way that can be described only as a hybrid of anal-retentiveness and obsessive compulsivity. Not so much in good ol’ 2019. YES, I have set goals and challenges for myself and some of them rather lofty. However, I am tackling my resolutions much differently this year.
My 2019 resolutions have the purpose of guiding me in the development of an improved version of myself but are not meant to create a second draft of who I am or who I have become. My resolutions will not be the be all end all. I can no longer be the woman who is 100% stressed 100% of the time, especially when said stress is of my own doing. I have plenty of stress and pressure derived from situations that are out of my control. *Note to self: for 2020, consider being less of a control freak so situations that are out of your hands do not bring you to a screech.
The be all end all is defined as something or someone who is considered to be a perfect specimen or the best and most desired
Can I share with you a secret? I have already backslid on some of my resolutions, and I am only four days into the year, but it is OKay, and I am OKay. Why is such an early backslide so acceptable in 2019 when it has not been in the past? Well, if you have not been paying attention, it’s because my new year’s goals, challenges, and resolutions are acting as a guide. I have let go of the need and expectation(s) upon myself to execute my resolutions on a level of perfectionism that only Karen Horney can conceptualize.
Since my NYC run, I have been lackadaisical. The weather has been bitterly cold in Maine, with black ice making outside running troublesome at best. Also, the gym at work was closed for several weeks, and so, for the last two months of 2018, my running has been null. Despite these pitfalls, I registered for Run the Year 2019, which averages to 5.5 miles per day. I have run three days in a row, but not once have I run the 5.5 miles. 1985-2018 Amy would have been angstful that she is already behind. 2019 Amy recognizes that there are no rules. The fact of the matter is, after two months heavy-laden with slothfulness, I’ve put some miles on my shoes . . . I’m doing it! This in itself is cause for a pat on the back. Before I took Radin for his first jaunt of the year and before I hit the (finally reopened) gym, I forgave myself for being temporarily inactive and reminded myself of the following: I have stopped and started many a time, I will make gains, I will get back to previous PRs and PBs, I will get back to and improve my stamina and endurance, and I will increase my distances in comparison with last year. As “they” say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” and as you can read, I have a lot of will; determination will overcome any obstacle.
While dropping the first f-bomb of 2019, and pretty early on January 1st, I did not decide to give up on my quest to not engage in such shitty language. <~~ C’mon, you know that’s funny. Seriously though, I would like to filter myself a bit better. I know I likely will not eradicate my sailor mouthed ways, but I can reserve my cussing for appropriate times: humor (see above) and when faced severe duress.
This year, I am / will be far less focused on being perfect and meeting challenges perfectly. So, for 2019, I have the following ambitions:
- My resolutions will not be the be all end all
- Run the Year 2019 (2,019 miles in 2019)
- Goodreads goal: 67
- Continue to chip away at my Day Zero Project (BUT . . . do not set a specific number of goals to tick off the list)
- Daily devotional (if a day is missed, don’t give up – do two the next)
- Swear less
- Do the right thing(s) in life, even when / though it is painful
- Be kind to myself should I not meet or exceed all of my goals
I am proud to report that I am off to a satisfactory start, mostly at being kind to myself for shortcomings. With each new day, my focus is on the previous day’s successes. With the proper mindset, every day is that fresh start we chase all the year through.