My ‘Give A Damn’ Is Busted

Ugh, I am so very frustrated with myself as of late.  “My give a damn is busted” is not entirely accurate as I DO care; I care a great deal.  However, my motivation has been seriously lacking.  I have not been working out consistently, I have not put any new miles on my running shoes, and I have been lackadaisical, at best, with calorie counting.

With my first 5K in less than 3 months, I really need to shift my butt into gear.  I tell myself that “today is a new day,” and then I proceed to fall flat on my face.  I then tell myself that “tomorrow is a new day,” and I try my very best to not be too hard on myself.  I am still hard on myself, but the key word / phrase is “‘too’ hard on myself.”

I wanted to be at my goal weight by June 3rd, my first 5K.  Coincidence?  No.  And just the fact that I wrote ‘wanted’ . . . as in the past tense, this is an indication that I am constantly self sabotaging myself.  I want to be at my goal weight by June 3rd, and I know that with a lot of hard work, I can achieve this.

So, why do I continually strive along my path of self-sabotage?  How can I motivate myself again?  My journey has been a long one, and I have made it this far.  Why am I so hesitant to throw myself back into the lifestyle I had grown to love?  Why have I seemingly given up, yet have not truly given up?  It’s time to go from 0 to 60, and not tomorrow, not with the new week, not with the new month, but N-O-W.

A stumble is not a failure.  The only failure is quitting, giving up on oneself.

 

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TO DO (Upcoming Events)

Updated: 24 March 2017

My intentions: update this entry as I sign up for additional events.  Though I have not tracked my past / completed activities, I find it worthwhile to begin doing so.  I am fairly certain that with a minuscule trace of effort, I can indeed create a corresponding TO DONE blog featuring 5Ks and 10Ks and obstacle courses that I have already #nailed.

Upcoming:

 Special Olympics: Law Enforcement Torch Run – May 2017!

Safe Voices 5K to End Domestic Violence – June 3, 2017

Color Me Rad 5K – July 15, 2017!

Tough Mountain Challenge – July 29th, 2017!

Dempsey Challenge 10K – October 7th, 2017!

I Lent My Cupcakes

As is likely simple to guess based on my blog’s title and description, cupcakes. are. my. JAM!  However, I gave up my cupcakes (actually, ALL sweets) for Lent, and I’m not even counting down the days!!  So, I honestly have no idea that there are only 30-ish more days left.  (It’s the “ish” that really sells it, that makes it seem like I’m not counting).  However, though I joke, I’m really not.

So, why did I choose sweets?  Well, anyone who practices Lent knows that what we choose to give up should not be easy; it’s a sacrifice.  Though I am not Catholic and associate with no particular denomination, I practice Lent because I think it is important for my own well-being.  During February, I completely removed soda from my diet, and I LOVED soda (and YES, that is past tense).  But I digress!  Soda has always been my go to give up for Lent, but it is no longer a viable option.  My other great love: BOOKS.  However, I could not project any feasibility in giving up books, especially when I constantly read for work.  Finally, it came down to cupcakes, and not entirely happy with that, I broadened my decision to all sweets.

I do not consume cupcakes nearly as often as I once did.  Formerly, I would buy a single cupcake every time I went to the grocery store, and I have proudly broken myself of that habit.  I was justifying the cake of the cup variety as my reward for adulting and getting the food shopping done.  However, the cupcake has truly become a once in a while treat.  Since I do not like pie or cheesecake, and I am lukewarm toward donuts, I have been envisioning myself as a casual candy consumer . . . until recently.  As of late, I noticed that I had started to grab a piece of candy from the community candy basket multiple times a day, I was eating M&Ms from the vending machine, I would not settle for my usual, one sliver of cake served for special occasions …

So, I am nipping the behavior in the bud before it becomes problematic.  It has been difficult at times, but I have yet to be tempted to the point of succumbing.  Working in a police department, we have sweets and junk food coming in nearly twenty-four hours a day.  So, it was a good choice in that I have truly been challenged!  To be face-to-face with delicious cookies and cakes and even the cupcakes I have always so coveted, it has forced me to make better decisions food wise.  Lent has given me perspective in how picking up a donut or a cookie had become almost reflexive.

Why Write?

So, why start a blog now?  It’s a question I have been asking myself since I’m a serial blog starter.  I’m fantastic with the good intentions, but I dwindle when it comes to the follow through.  In order to understand how I can be successful in maintaining a blog, I have had to soul search and analyze what keeps me from doing so.

First, I get hung up on writing style, grammar, punctuation, so on and so forth.  I am letting that go.  I am going to write how I think, just put ME on virtual paper.  I’ve reminded myself, and I undoubtedly will need to continue to remind myself, that I’m not attempting to publish a professional piece of writing; I’m merely trying to connect with others who are on the same journey that I am.  I want to connect with those who are struggling with taking the first step of their journey.  I want to connect with others who have stumbled along their way.  I want to connect with people who have had nothing but the utmost success.  I just want to connect, and so, to do so, I’m letting go of my need to be “perfect,” to write perfectly, that drive to abide by all of the literary rules.  I want my blog to be a place where I can be candid, open, and just ME, not bound by any confines, even those that I have set for myself.  I am the one that puts myself in the box, and I know it.

Second, I always write thinking about my audience, even when I do not have one.  In order to be successful in keeping this blog, I am accepting that it is perfectly acceptable to do it just for me.  Write because I want to write.  I have spent the majority of my life doing for others.  It’s who I am.  I am a giver – giver of gifts, giver of myself, whatever I can possibly muster to give to someone else, I do.

Finally, my own accountability and motivation are worth the effort.  Daily, I spend the majority of my time in my own head, my own thoughts.  I have come to the realization that I am not learning from my mistakes, my bad days, by letting these thoughts just roll around and bump along in my head.  My fear of writing about my bad days (food fails, lack of exercise, no “fox” left to give) is that it will make the bad days ever more real.  Well, the trips and stumbles are just as real, even when they are merely jostled about in my own brain, yet I am not learning from them.  The missteps are important strides along the path to success, and I will no longer hide them, not even from myself.  I am the very first person to tell others NOT to give up, that stumbles along the way are OKay, and that tomorrow is a new day, an opportunity to try again.

Epiphany: I do not afford myself the same kindness that I invest in others.

Goal: I will learn to be kind to myself, for I am worthy of the same kindness I bestow upon others.