Flippin’ Floppin’ & Flounderin’

After a four month hiatus, I think that it is about time that I dedicate some effort to my writing, my blog.  I am particularly glad that approximately six months ago, I did not buy stock in the idea that 2019 is the year of me.  However, if I did make that purchase and just do not remember doing so, then I am pleased that I did not take the notion too seriously because . . . Wellllllllllll . . . I. AM. FLOUNDERING!  My current spirit animal is a freshly caught fish, floppin’ on the boatdeck.

Truth be told, it is comforting that flying fish exist.  Flopping now shall equal soaring later, amiright!?

So, what have I been up to since March, you wonder?  I have already indicated what I have been up to . . . floundering!  Gosssshhhhhh, pay attention, dear reader!

Before I outline what has been troubling me, let me share with you the one task that I have been absolutely slaying since January: the tackling of my GR reading goal!  I set my Goodreads goal at 67 books for 2019, mainly so I can finish and close out my Day Zero Project goal of reading 100 books.  I am currently working on books 38 and 39, which means, my fellow math whizzes, I have completed 37.  That translates to, “I’m 55% of the way there!”  Admittedly, I have been slacking as far as writing book reviews goes; add that to my list of slackage.

Slackage List

  • running
  • blogging
  • letter writing
  • swap-botting

and just added:

  • book reviewing

Running

It should be noted that my current interpretation of slacking re: running is that I am not at the level that I once was, but my use of “slacking” in this regard is not to imply that I have not been doing it . . .  as of late.  (Keywords: as. of. late.).  Since my NYC run in October, I did indeed stop running for several months, but I picked it back up when my first 5K of the year drew near.  I do believe the date of that was April 28th.  The Dash for Dogs 5k went well in that I ran the entire 5k, my only break being at the one water station.  I tend not to run with my cup of water because I splash and slosh.  Between April 28th and my second 5k on June 1st, I hardly ran, and I was utterly mind blown at the traction I had lost in merely a month.  Desiree’s gentle reminder, “You’ll be mad at yourself!” when it looked like I was about to walk, rang true; I finished the 5k (and with several PRs, according to Strava).  During the Law Enforcement Torch Run on June 5th, I was miserable.  I have been dwelling on how just one year ago, I was so proud of myself after the LETR, and this year?  This year, I let myself down.  I allowed myself one evening to wallow, and then I worked my way through my muddled headspace.  I have since gotten back to using the gym located at work, using my own (home) gym, or hitting the pavement.  My heart has just not been in it, and I cannot place a finger on why (or why not), but I think I am getting closer to those answers.  With that being said, when I am on the road or on the treadmill, I am happy and proud and I feel great, and I need to start clinging to those feelings, especially since I have big goals ahead!  This upcoming weekend is the Dennis Sampson Memorial 5k.  In July, I have the Moxie 5k, (maybe) a 4th of July 5k,  and the David Payne Memorial Run.  In August,  I am scheduled to run the Beach to Beacon and the Eugene Cole Memorial Half Marathon.  In September, I have the Dempsey Challenge on my to do.  Finally, in October, I am running the Maine Half Marathon.  I have also decided that I will be finding a way to run the 2020 NYC marathon (I infer “finding a way” because my entry will depend on winning a spot via the lottery OR raising at least $2,620).  So, I have not lost my love for running, nor my heart; I’ve just . . . temporarily lost my way.  (Pictures from Dash for Dogs, Safe Voices, and the Law Enforcement Torch Run forthcoming).

Blogging

My last entry was in March.  Since March, I have had copious thoughts and perspectives, but my gumption to write has been lackluster at best.  Writing this entry is my attempt at locating that luster that I have lacked.  I must admit, I have indeed missed sharing my blather.

Letter Writing

I have written no more than five letters in the last year.  I surmise that my lack of composing correspondence is due to my overwhelmed state when I look at my bucket of mail that awaits a response.  I need to sit down, go through the bucket, and determine who I want to continue writing with and who I do not.  My fear of hurting feelings or causing offense is what prevents me from completing this particular task, but I do need to widdle my list down to a manageable number, thus making the hobby enjoyable once more.

Swap-Botting

I have not been utilizing swap-bot.  My desire to swap was quelled by a member who caused me some distress.  However, that is neither here nor there.  I know that my love for swapping will trump my hesitancy to do so, especially since I do have a reliable group of people with whom I can swap.  In fact, as of today, I have four swaps that I have signed up for.  Now, whether I stay in said swaps or drop them before partners are assigned . . .   On the bright side, my lack of swap-botting has allowed me to re-engage with Postcrossing.

This entry is mainly about what I have not done / been doing, but I am brainstorming a follow up featuring what I have done / been doing.  I will get back to being 100% Amy, one step at a time.  Luckily, I took some hefty strides today.  Maybe today is the day I turn it all around.

So, when I do work my way out of my slump, will I be floundering at floundering?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

New Year, Not A New Me

“NEW YEAR, NEW ME!” 

Naw, not really, but it sounds nice every December 31st and January 1st that rolls around, no? 

Truth be told, I don’t want to create a new me, nor do I aspire to be an entirely new version of myself.  For the most part, I like who I am.  I cannot even write or say, “for the most part” because that implies that there are some aspects of my being that I dislike, and that is not quite accurate either.  With each December 19XX or 20XX calendar page I have torn away, I have often vowed to do this, do that, do less of this, and do more of that, but I have gone about this in a way that can be described only as a hybrid of anal-retentiveness and obsessive compulsivity.  Not so much in good ol’ 2019.  YES, I have set goals and challenges for myself and some of them rather lofty.  However, I am tackling my resolutions much differently this year.

My 2019 resolutions have the purpose of guiding me in the development of an improved version of myself but are not meant to create a second draft of who I am or who I have become.  My resolutions will not be the be all end all.  I can no longer be the woman who is 100% stressed 100% of the time, especially when said stress is of my own doing.  I have plenty of stress and pressure derived from situations that are out of my control.  *Note to self: for 2020, consider being less of a control freak so situations that are out of your hands do not bring you to a screech.

The be all end all is defined as something or someone who is considered to be a perfect specimen or the best and most desired

Can I share with you a secret?  I have already backslid on some of my resolutions, and I am only four days into the year, but it is OKay, and I am OKay.  Why is such an early backslide so acceptable in 2019 when it has not been in the past?  Well, if you have not been paying attention, it’s because my new year’s goals, challenges, and resolutions are acting as a guide.  I have let go of the need and expectation(s) upon myself to execute my resolutions on a level of perfectionism that only Karen Horney can conceptualize.

Since my NYC run, I have been lackadaisical.  The weather has been bitterly cold in Maine, with black ice making outside running troublesome at best.  Also, the gym at work was closed for several weeks, and so, for the last two months of 2018, my running has been null.  Despite these pitfalls, I registered for Run the Year 2019, which averages to 5.5 miles per day.  I have run three days in a row, but not once have I run the 5.5 miles.  1985-2018 Amy would have been angstful that she is already behind.  2019 Amy recognizes that there are no rules.  The fact of the matter is, after two months heavy-laden with slothfulness, I’ve put some miles on my shoes . . . I’m doing it!  This in itself is cause for a pat on the back.  Before I took Radin for his first jaunt of the year and before I hit the (finally reopened) gym, I forgave myself for being temporarily inactive and reminded myself of the following: I have stopped and started many a time, I will make gains, I will get back to previous PRs and PBs, I will get back to and improve my stamina and endurance, and I will increase my distances in comparison with last year.  As “they” say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way,” and as you can read, I have a lot of will; determination will overcome any obstacle.

While dropping the first f-bomb of 2019, and pretty early on January 1st, I did not decide to give up on my quest to not engage in such shitty language.  <~~ C’mon, you know that’s funny.  Seriously though, I would like to filter myself a bit better.  I know I likely will not eradicate my sailor mouthed ways, but I can reserve my cussing for appropriate times: humor (see above) and when faced severe duress.

This year, I am / will be far less focused on being perfect and meeting challenges perfectly.  So, for 2019, I have the following ambitions:

  • My resolutions will not be the be all end all
  • Run the Year 2019 (2,019 miles in 2019)
  • Goodreads goal: 67 
  • Continue to chip away at my Day Zero Project (BUT . . . do not set a specific number of goals to tick off the list)
  • Daily devotional (if a day is missed, don’t give up – do two the next)
  • Swear less
  • Do the right thing(s) in life, even when / though it is painful
  • Be kind to myself should I not meet or exceed all of my goals

I am proud to report that I am off to a satisfactory start, mostly at being kind to myself for shortcomings.  With each new day, my focus is on the previous day’s successes.  With the proper mindset, every day is that fresh start we chase all the year through.