showing or feeling hesitancy; uncertain.
Since my 5 miler in NYC, when I boldly chatted up strangers who asked me about the Maine Marathon, I have thought to myself , “I can totally be a Maine Marathon Ambassador!” but now that the application is open, I’m . . . [insert word of the day . . . HERE]. Yes, folks, I am IRRESOLUTE.
Picture this: there is a cartoon runner, an animated version of myself, resting on one of my shoulders encouraging me to apply, to go for it. I would be a worthwhile ambassador because I exude positive energy, I genuinely enjoy encouraging, supporting, and motivating others, and I am just downright passionate about the event itself.
However, the caricature of a runner lounging on my other shoulder has reminded me how much I would be required to expose myself and my life to hundreds? thousands? of people. To be an ambassador, I would need to commit to update my IG feed at least twice a week, write two blog posts, update Twitter or Facebook (one of which I would need to register for since I do not have either), lead a discussion at the Maine Marathon Expo, or organize a training session or group run. I am uncertain that I want to sacrifice my life as a stealth unknown.
With every event I run in, I typically avoid the attention of the photographers and their cumbersome cameras and the TV crews if / when present, but with the ambassador swag, it would be far more difficult to merely coast under the radar, where I typically fly. I recall how embarrassed I was with how much TV time was allotted to my presence at the 2018 David Payne Memorial Run.
I do have IG, and I do have this here blog, but I think for the most part, I am mostly unknown to my followers and readers, respectively. Should I be accepted as an ambassador, my photo and full name would be obviously displayed on the Maine Marathon website with links to my social media. As much as I do enjoy that I have readers and followers, likes and comments, do I really want my thoughts so accessible? Do I want the people who know me IRL to have an open invitation to the aspects of my existence that I tend to keep private? I know the irony of this as my blog is by no means privatized, but I have done very little to promote it to friends, relatives, or colleagues. Though I’m “out there” to some degree, I still bask in anonymity. Perhaps my hesitancy is purely lack of confidence.
I continue to waffle between “should I” and “should I not?” due to angst around letting myself down. You see, I tend to be immutably goal-oriented. So, in October of 2018, I outlined this goal for myself: apply to be an ambassador for the 2019 Maine Marathon. At this point in time, the expectations and requirements were uncharted. It is my own rigidity that has left me in turmoil regarding my indecisiveness.
Will I be chiefly disappointed when the ambassadorship application deadline passes without my submission, or will I be predominantly belabored if I were to be selected and expected to be an extrovert and unconstrained with my trifling social media outlets?
If I do not apply, I feel that I have failed to achieve my objective. Reasonably, I could alter the original goal to one that is less audacious, such as improving my half marathon time. Ultimately, I ought to extend to myself the acceptance that ambitions and intentions transform.